Selfish

I don't want things to change. Promises are not broken so easily.

My love for God rejuvenated through this.

It's hard for most to understand. Society is cruel - it's like going against the world. But please let me be selfish. I want to feel secure. Please let me heal. Give me til June.

Then I'll go away.

1 Chr 16: 10-11

I am but a human being
flesh and blood
mortal.

But I have within me
an inextinguishable flame
that ever burns
with an insatiable passion
a ceaseless hunger
a piqued curiosity
of Your endless love and compassion.

For You are beautiful
glorious in holiness
fearful in praises
(Exodus 15:11) doing wonders
so majestic
all sufficient.

With You
I feel no solitude
I taste no grief
I fear no evil.

In You
I have found strength
I am lent wisdom
I acquired faith
all renewed.

You work wonders
and now
the ones I love
are inching closer to salvation.

Friends
rejoice in the Lord!
For He hears, sees and speaks
right into the heart of those He chose to touch
and would change them for a lifetime
for the better good.
:)

"How shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard?" - Romans 10:14

This is my testimony of how He spoke to me in 1 Chr 16:10-11. The Lord truly is amazing by helping me pull the ones I love closer to Him. You work wonders in ways that I can never comprehend. And in the end, I just know that I love You all the more. Thank you, Lord for all that you do. :)

Crossroads

torn
between the past and the future
of filial piety
or Obedience
of philia
or agape
of roots
or salvation.

the wide gate
calls out to me
the popular choice
so effortless
requires no sacrifice
and of simple decisions.

the narrow gate
is never easy
encompassed
by trials and tribulations
temptations
and reproach
that question your faith.

but why
give up?
but why
surrender?
when the most beautiful things in life
has unfolded itself
right in front of you?

why
let go
of the One who
truly loves
who is the Truth
who is the Way
who is the Life?

why
abdicate
the only One
who would die for you
to save you
so that you may Live?

the narrow gate
envelopes me with inhuman warmth
with longing
and of such passion
that only He can fill.
a reminder
of His preeminence
a clarity
priority
that He is above all.

regardless
the gate that I chose to walk
at this first crossroad
does not mean I have forgone my past
for my past is who I am
the future is not a barrier
nor a factor
that will ever change how I feel for you.

...I will love you for always and for eternity.

Of Discovering Gifts

Much has been said about finding our spiritual gifts and then igniting them with a fervent passion for the Lord. And I prayed onto the Lord daily that He would show me clear signs as to what was my gift.

Surely enough - today, I had this sudden epiphany about what COULD be my gift. HAHAHAHAHA. It came to me when I was doing my daily devotion today - when I suddenly felt that I expressed myself best in written words.

YEAHHHH. This feeling - have I got the gift of writing? :D

You know, there's a profound difference when I write and when I speak. I feel as though the words just slip off my fingertips when I write (or type, for this matter HAHAHAHA) WAY faster than they slip off my tongue. I express myself so much better when I put it to paper (or blog XD) compared as to when I say them out loud. The best thing is that when I WRITE, I don't pause to think. It just... flows.

As I flip through my journal in my walk with Him, I too realize that I've been building my relationship with Him through written words. And I tend to get very personal in my prayer when I write. In a way, His Words (= Bible) relates to me in a very, very personal way that I can't really describe literally in spoken words. The Lord = Word = Life. My life. XD

So, Lord, is that my gift?

Well, I know that I shouldn't rush things especially in my relationship with Him, right? Because sometimes rushing things may cause us to lose sight of it, no? So I'll just take it in accordance to His will, at His pace. Simply because we know that our time is not measured at the same pace as His time. So once again, I commit this to Him and wait on Him to startle me with another sudden revelation. MUAHAHAHAHA. Praise God! :)

Ohhh. On another note - how the Lord has answered my prayers! HAHAHAHA! About a month ago, I wanted to get a commentary Bible. So I asked Him to guide me to get one in which I can really connect and understand so that I can learn more about Him. Truth be told (confession! HAHAHA) I am really bad when it comes to discipline in reading His Word. Sometimes because I find it hard to truly gain an understanding. YEAAAAH.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into Borders and came to realize that commentary Bibles, or rather, Bibles on the whole - are pretty expensive! So I waited on Him (once again: not rushing things and doing it at His pace) and true enough - yesterday Rou En told me to ask Darshinii about study bibles - sold at a student price of RM60 ONLY. WHAT A STEAL, MAN. OMG. I'm definitely getting one. SOOOOOO CHEAP! Compared to the Rm120 and above ones that I saw. WOW! CHEAP!

Ahahahaha. So once again, praise God! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Isn't it PHENOMENAL to see Him do His thing even in the smallest occasions in life? He is truly ever-faithful. And that's why I *heart* Him~ XD Awwwwww.

My Testimony: The Lord Works in Many Ways

First and foremost, sorry everyone, please bear with me as I am yet to be hit with an inspiration for 'mah blog. Gomenasai. But plain every once in a while ain't that bad, no? XD

OKAY. So, this week has gotta be the BUSIEST week I've ever had since I stepped into USM. A summary of my week would mean having not enough time and not enough sleep with my long workload of 6 Assignments, 2 Tests and So You Think You Can. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Amazingly, it's the first time I've ever skipped lectures for a whole ENTIRE week and yet have an exemption letter. BWAHAHAHAHA.

Putting the 'stressed' part aside, this week has its pros too! Of all my 10 years walking with Him, I've not once felt how it feels like to have the Lord so profoundly intervene in my daily life - until this week. I guess it's true when they say that He's doing his greatest work when we are dealing with most difficult situations. For those who have faced the greatest darkness are those who fully appreciate the glory of His light.

The Lord, working in my life started all the way back on Monday when I heard Jess talking to Lydia about discipleship. After movie night, Wilson and I shared a little chat over a cup of ice-blended. Even though I've walked with the Lord for 10 years, I'm still a spiritual infant. Sad to say, I've stopped at acceptance for a very long time now. But NOW I want to grow in Him - because if not now, then when? So, despite rushing to meet datelines - (most assignments were due on Wednesday!), I asked him about discipleship. And he enlightened me for an hour or so.

That night I prayed to God. Like, I REALLY prayed HARD. I really, really wanted to grow in my relationship with Him. But blind faith is nothing alike real faith. I asked Him, What do You will for me to? Need I a mentor-disciple relationship? Or do I just need someone to be accountable for? What is my purpose in life? Take control of my life. Let Your will be done. Slam the truth right to my face.

And he spoke to me most directly through Ephesians. Time and time again! GOD IS GREAT.

On Wednesday, I browsed through Ephesians 4:1-16 by accident. Those verses centered about letting His providence place us where He wills us to be. These verses also told me that we can do whatever task he assigns us to do, no matter how impossible it may seem - because He put us there for a reason. All we have to do is to wait for our moment and find our calling.

Yesterday too, I was tired and disappointed. 2 tests = 19 chapters to be tested; but NONE studied. (Assignments was copied, btw. HAHAHAHAHA) I randomly browsed His Word again, and I landed on Psalm 37:3 that says, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the Lord, and feed on His faithfulness." Once again, the reassurance of His never-ending faithfulness enabled me to carry on in His name. And though at that time I was feeling so negative; disappointed with far too many people, and even with MYSELF, I felt so warm and loved knowing that I would never be disappointed in Him.

Today, I woke up in the morning feeling too tired to want to go to BE. I made up excuses to not go: I had a test at 4pm in which I've studied 0 (ZERO. NULL.) chapters. FORGET 4PM! I even had a test at 9am in which I was BARELY prepared for.

.....

....but then, God worked in SO MANY WAYS TO MAKE SURE I MADE IT TO B.E. HAHAHAHAHA!

One way was by making me flip all the way to Ephesians once again in the morning. 3:18-19 this time. And to read about the fullness of his love, the infinite possibilities by knowing Him - it touched me straight to the core of my heart.

The second way in which He worked was through my FRIENDS. HAHAHAHAHA. Some of you who messaged me in the morning - you may not know it, but every each and one of you who did - made me go to BE. And even those pals that I met in the library. Everyone was pointing in a direction as if God WANTED me to be there.

AMAZING, isn't it?

BUT WAIT. It was NOT just the Scriptures that talked to me. XD

YEAH. The most amazing thing was that EVERY SINGLE THING Dr. Alex spoke of today pretty much sums up everything that happened to me this week. He even spoke about discipleship - as a way to completely place our trust in somebody we can be accounted to regardless of the situation. He also talked of fighting faith that is imperatively crucial for one who walks with Him.

And as I sit here with my journal on my walk with God - it pieced up all the pieces together.

Even more surprising was that it didn't end at just that! Wilson offered to teach me about prayer over the weekend! :) And a non-Christian friend told me that "You are kinda spiritually immature now - but learning, albeit slowly, is really good." OMG XD God just continues to surprise me time and time again HAHAHAAHAHAHA!

The way that the Lord worked with me this week was just AWESOME. And I cannot be any happier that everything went just as it should be. (I don't think I did bad enough to have flunked those 2 tests either! XD)

Maybe you too should surrender control of your life to Him - and let Him work wonders with our lives. :)

(... OH WAIT. I MIGHT have flunked my WileyPlus though. Grrrr.)

Shedding Tears

Ever since I was a kid, I've always hated the fact that I was a crybaby. I would cry at every small random poke that my godbrothers nudged at me. I would cry that they ate the last ice cream in the fridge. I would cry when they built that treehouse at the back without ever once involving me.

But however big a crybaby I was, I always let the tears flow only when I'm in solitude. They run only in the comfort of the pitch black wardrobe. Or in the dusty lair under the bed. I even had a perfect corner at the edge of the room in which I would silence those tears so much that the atmosphere stays perfectly still as I cried.

I grew up, but I never changed. In fact, I hate that people can publicly cry - drowning in their delusive thoughts of imperfection - or just crying for no reason at all. I hate that some people think that letting tears flow would gain them love and affection - especially gaining attention from those who pretend to comfort you when they actually delight at the sight of your fall.

No matter how sad - despite in times of mourning - I hate to cry in front of those I love so dearly. Tears down the already tense atmosphere and they can never do anything to help improve the situation.

I hate it - that tears show the weakness in your heart. I hate it - that those tears are the very reason you are ridiculed. Embarrassed. I hate it that I can do nothing when you cry.




But then - I cry a lot these days. Even yesterday. But only in Your presence.
And I LOVE IT that I cry then. :)

Weeping in the presence of the Lord is a whole different story altogether. The tears that spring to life whenever I praise You, Lord - are those of joy. Those tears that I shed, I do not hold back for I am not embarrassed that You have touched me. Weeping in your presence reminds me that I am filled with the Spirit. And that You have filled me with joy to such an extent that that heavy burden upon my shoulders are shed along with the natural spring in my eyes.

I weep in joy to know that I am saved. And that I am forgiven despite the infinite sins that I've committed throughout my lifetime. And that every imperfection and every weakness of mine is healed in Your presence. I cry in the truth and the revelation that has been spoken to me. Most importantly, I weep in joy that I am LOVED; infinitely, unconditionally.

Acts 2:28

I am stronger now. But only because You have lent me strength. And showed me what it means to love.

Family

Awww. It's true. It's a whole different light, love and affection when the Lord is the head of the family.

:)

brick walls
down
dead ends
the atmosphere
obligated options
slow strides
fall yet again
a slur of words
inexplicable
tsunami of thoughts
head in the clouds
feet off the ground
a gentle thug
an epiphany
agape
unconditional
unwavering
faith.

1 Peter 4 :)

Enigma

There is a saying that goes, “History is written by those who emerge victorious.”

History, as we read it now, is written by historians in the context of their own time. It is their interpretation of a dominant mainstream idea. As I see it now, history can be perceived in so many perspectives that the real truth may actually still be hidden, waiting to be discovered.

I’ve been reading a lot lately. And when I say I READ a lot, I don’t mean reading my Biochemistry or Genetics notes. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. No! I’ve been reading a whole lot of politics and religion, both in their fiction and non-fiction contexts. And with this I’ve been hit with the sudden epiphany that I actually comprehend so few mysteries of this world. XP

During my reads, I realize just how much religion is being debated about among theologists. In one book, the dependence of man on God is rejected. They interpreted the Bible by saying that ‘we are created in the image of God’ as in not how we look – but as in we were given godly power by the potential of our minds. In another book, sources centered about the apocryphal texts left out of the Bible. And of course there are many controversial issues regarding the significance of Mary Magdalene that has been deliberated a great deal about.

However, I’m here to clarify one thing - that my faith will not be shaken so easily. To me, there are very distinctive lines between blindly pursuing, ignorance and FAITH. There are many perspectives to how one’s viewpoint: for example – between a reckless defense and a brilliant attack.

"But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.
For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
James 1:6-8 (KJV)

Regardless of the different interpretations of the Word, I have faith in Him. And there are three absolute truths in which my faith will never waver.
1. GOD is very true, very real and very near.
2. Jesus is our Savior who died on the cross to save us from our sins. He changed the darkest day of mankind into the brightest light of salvation.
3. GOD truly loves us all.

Faith is an inexplicable and enigmatic feeling that only those who experience it can fathom the depth of it. It is mysteriously warm yet pure, real and true - with it one need not fear. Because ‘faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.’ Romans 10:17.

And to me, faith – is love. :)

"For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written,
“The just shall live by faith.” "
Romans 1:17 (NKJV)

When One Line Is Sufficient to Explain It ALL (2)

Still lazy for LOOOOOOOOONG posts. (Plus, should be working on Org Chem tutorial assignment now... HAIH.) But good news needs be shared! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Keeping it short and sweet once more~!

THANK GOD FOR pKa and CG.

Met a load of extremely cool, fun, exciting and committed Christians that I've grown to love so much in such a short amount of time. I may be new to bible studies and all, but you guys - to me, redefined AWESOME.

Recommitting, loving and GLORIFYING You all over again and again for all that You do and are.

HeartJesus=) (something I stole off jessica's blog. Whee, random!) XD

A Prayer

Dear God,

We may have only met three times in our short life; yet I feel as if I've known her for a lifetime.
The total length of our conversations together may amount to just 5 minutes; yet I know so much more about her.
We may have known only each others' names; but the depth of our relationship is further than what meets the eye.
Yes, WE are Sisters in Christ.

I pray to you, Lord, that because I barely spent any time with her - that you give me a chance to learn more about her and know her better. I pray to you, Lord, that I too, could be there for her the next time she griefs. I pray to you, Lord, that she'll be healthy and strong.

I pray to you, Lord; that this girl, my Sister - that I hardly ever know - will survive this ordeal and smile again. That she'll continue to smile, and make those around her smile along with her too.

O Lord; guide her, protect her, bless her. Deliver her from this moment; let her persevere.

Amen

"For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him. Thou [art] my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance."


Psalms 32:6-7

Renewed Faith

Even I - was once naive. XD

You know, when I was young, I never failed to ask myself why God created Hell if He truly loved us that much. I thought, SURELY, if He did love us, He wouldn't have wanted us to suffer in the eternal depths of Hell. Just last night, I attended a very enlightening talk in church... and it suddenly seemed to me that God; in His own very special way - answered my naive thoughts through Mr. Tony Anthony's testimony.

And just by something as simple as that - I feel myself recommitting myself to My Lord all over again - PRAISE the Lord!

Allow me to share with you blog readers what Mr. Anthony had shared with us that night. Perhaps this situation would paint a clearer picture?

Let us assume that we are in a courthouse where a murderer has killed a special someone to Mr. A. The murderer pleaded guilty for the charges pressed against him. We do not expect the Judge to say, "Oh, Mr. Murderer, just because I'm a loving judge, I shall sentence you to three years in prison instead of the life sentence!" How would Mr. A and his loved ones feel if the Judge were to react this way? So to say, the Lord is just, in His own ways.

It all boils down to this: Heaven and Hell were created to uphold justice. Heaven is for those with a perfect record. But as mortal human beings, every each and one of us has sinned. So are we all - every single one of us - doomed to fall into Hell as we should?

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
John 3:16

But the miracle is this: we are loved so much that we DO have a chance to ascend to Heaven!

Jesus so loves the world that he died for us, so we could be free of our sins. He replaced them with His own perfect record - and thus, we can have eternal life with Him in Heaven. All these great things await us - all we have to do is to surrender our hearts to Him, and let His love fill whatever emptiness that we may have. All we need to do is to be willing to believe.

"Fear not; believe only and (she) shall be made whole."
Luke 8:50

Thank You for loving us so much that You are willing to save us by giving up Your life for ours. I believe now, so much stronger than before; and I hope that You, Lord, would guide me continuously in every single endeavor of mine - and let me walk with You until the day I am no more. Not just only until the day I breathe my last; but for eternity.

"I am a light into the world, that whosoever believes in me should not abide in darkness."
John 12:46

Strength and Faith.

A serious thought trampled across my mind after reading Apek's blog. As sleepy as I am, let me just take this opportunity to fatten up my blog with my random rantings. XD

STRENGTH. A simple word that carries its own definition amongst different people in this world. Some find it in companionship; some find it in the warmth of their loved ones and some find strength in love. Different people have different ways to describe strength - all defining it in their own context. And amazingly, I have my own. :)

I happen to think that strength is synonymous with faith. Faith in the Lord, my God. Faith in my loved ones. And even, faith; in myself. Faith GIVES us strength - to endure the ups and downs in our lives. Faith gives us strength - to tear down mental boundaries that separates us from the checkered flag; to remind us that there is no limit to what we can do. Faith is strength; a hidden drive that brings out the best potential in us.

If you fail today, let this be a reminder that we have lost JUST this battle but not the war. What determines your victory, however, is your own inner strength. Take time to reflect on past mistakes that led to your failure.

And just by vying to change for the better - you ARE a stronger person already.

The Lord is My Shepherd, and as long as He is with me, I know that my strength (and faith) will never waver.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18